There's a doin's a-transpiring!

Extract from ' The Life of Galileo Galilei'

2010-03-22T01:29:00.004Z

Galileo, naked from the waist up. Braving the vicious inquisition that vehemently accused him of heresy and threatened him with rusty death equipment, defended heliocentism until cut short by Cardinal Bellarmine who spunked his verbs out....

" In response to the tarted up twaddle mucked out by the accused in this banquet of sickening grandeur and knocked off fudgery i say this;
What is this shallow puddle of nauseatingly intellectual horse cock soup meant to be?

Couldnt you just rub urine into your quads if you wanted to spew forth some self gratifying vile piss instead of spiking our brains with the sole purpose of impressing everyone?

You look like a hairless cat bubbling with tumors. "

Chasing the bishops

2010-03-21T07:36:00.003Z

Sybil Kufc, daughter and wife of ham consultant Sir Toby Slumpton, found herself in an amusing pickle with fire chief Dwight Speedling when several of the bishops she was using as fire lighters in a barbecue for her Thursday night witchery bash used their robes to trap heat and float away across the state of Nebraska. Dwight Speeding was called to shoot down the smoldering man-nuns who were scaring children with their glowing amber eyes and foolishly mistaken by locals for evil space ghosts.
Dwight and his men eventually saw the funny side of things and were invited to join Sybil and her coven for a night of debauched sexual abandon and Mario Kart tag team action.

The involvment of fists.

2009-12-01T20:20:00.003Z

"....Id like to stuff that bitch with fistfuls of cotton in a field full of slaves"

Donald Trump interviews potential future employees by sodomising them with a fistful of gold coins. He calls it 'Piggy banking'.

It was discovered during the the autopsy that boxer Fisty McBone had an extra ten knuckles on his right hand. Illegal knuckle growing was banned back in the 40's when Arthur 'the Californian Cabbage' Pillowtithands grew an estimated three hundred knuckles all over his body and murdered a gentle loving nun for her habit in the hopes he could wear it during the fight and cover his grotesquely disfigured limbs.

An old Nordic phrase when mistranslated into English says "A fistful of ice drips into hell like a sparrow farting bees".

2009-08-30T15:08:00.001+01:00

2008-01-30T13:08:00.001Z

Jhuan's Greatest Quotes

Professional hermit and feeble visionary Jhuan Onjiyan

JHUAN:

".......It’s just that Ribeana and Ryvita are quite quite different from each other you see. One would hardly be a worthy replacement of the other."

".... I was trying out a new idea for a radio prank show called ‘Tranny Tantrums’."

"........then you’d hear me running away and giggling all out of breath"

".....It became a bit of a catch phrase for a while. “GOT ANY BOLLOCKS LOVE??!”

".......I call it Saint Anus’s Pork Orphanage. It’s a large dilapidated warehouse near where I live, that I’ve converted into a giant play room for kids and pigs whose lives have been affected by the evils of the pork industry."

"I realised that if you stick a bunch of orphans in a warehouse it becomes an orphanage."

"......Plus, their parents will probably die from the crippling grief of having their kids nicked anyway, so we’re all winners at the end of the day."

".....Laters chief."

Vorderman Causes Muslim Outrage

2006-10-07T23:23:00.000+01:00

Countdown cleverclogs and aging MILF-type Carol Vorderman has been caught out for the second time in a week making anti-Islamic statements with her fancy conundrum letters board.
On Tuesday the apparently random chioce of letters spelt out "POO ISLAM", which she claimed was a hilarious yet freak accident.

Yet only a few days later Carol yet again was pictured sexily smiling with glee at another even more offensive anti-muslim conundrum. This time the letters formed the shocking "Allah Is Gay"(yet to be disproven).

Although the audience became giddy with hysterics, Muslim extremists inevitably took to the streets with oversized banners emblazened with vulgar 'pigeon English' slogans, crudely expressing their disgust and lack of humor.

Many of the noisy and cheesed off hate mob stated that Voderman was a slut who was in league with the Devil and although looking quite horny at times, was a dirty Jew-lover and the undisputed champion queen of shit eating.
They also venomously spat out their beliefs that the Countdown conundrum was evil and all word association games or anagrams, crosswords, Scrabble, dictionaries, people who owned a thesaurus, and librarians were also products of Satan and deserved to be burnt to a bloody pile of stinking crap. Some banners were left blank in a very silly protest against the use letters in general.

Snooty smart arse Carol defiantly spoke up at her latest pointless photoshoot, in which she mockingly posed in a net made out of bacon grissle, saying she couldnt give two shits what people thought of her and admitted to not really being a big fan of Muslims, strongly suggesting that she was indeed a dirty Jew-lover and rather proud of it.

The extremists have since been side-tracked chasing a cloud which resembled Mohammed having a shave .

Jhuan Onjhyian : The Lost Interview

2006-09-30T13:59:00.000+01:00

An Audience with.... Jhuan Onyhjian, scheduled to be broadcast in a special 1978 one-off Christmas special was meant to be a rare and unique glimpse into the mind of long time unknown cult artist Jhuan Onjyhian, member of the prolific greasing trio, the JUSTFORDAFUCOFITITS.
All past attempts to snare this non-eccentric, who aquired a small if not negligible following due to his barely humorus nonsensical rants involving Pot Noodle, pig and goat meats, and the extinct supermarket chain Bejams, fell at the first hurdle based on a total and absolute lack of interest.

The traditional 'Audience with....' format comprising of a one hour live show conducted on stage in front of an large public audience, was greeted with mumbling hostilities by Jhuan. Who agreed to the interview only if he could bring along his trusted companian Jefhinda "filing cabinet" Manpreet. (seen standing behind Jhuan throughout the interview).
A second request was that the audience was to be made up of a singular rastafarian, and the interview be held in a very white room at a secret banal location.
Foolishly all demands were met, and Jhuan Onjhyian, speaking in a pathetic cornish accent, spoke firstly about a dual-cocked girlfriend and wrestler Macho-man Randy Savage.
All seemed to be going well until the mood turned ugly, Jhuan accusing the interviewer of resembling Munkian from Thunder Cats and then coughing for several minutes.

As shown in the stills above, Jhuan seemed to spend the vast majority of the interview aggresivly pointing his infamously soft fingers outwards in a bizarrely threatening manner.
The filming was forced to stop as Jhuan began to cry, sometimes reaching an almost erotic hysteria.

The show was replaced by re-runs of the 1986 Challenger Shuttle disaster.

DODD OUT FOR BLOOD

2006-09-28T13:02:00.000+01:00

Stupid looking oldman comedian and child 'entertainer' Ken Dodd has amazingly issued a FATWA on unpopular rival ugly comedian Ronnie Corbett.

Although not a Muslim, Ken Dodd launched into a triade of abuse against Corbett live on stage at Blackpool, where he had just finished his celebrated "Eating a dog" skit.
He shocked his mostly gay and lesbian kids audience with a 10 minute rant about how Corbett has "had it coming for years" and repeating "he has a really stabbable face hasnt he. He has hasnt he".

Immedietly after the show Dodd's manager, Sebastian Phlemjoy, issued a statement outlining Ken Dodds plan to hunt down and mash up Corbett to appease the recent wave of negative feelings Corbetts face has attracted.
Ken Dodd has also re-released his 1931 best selling album "Blood Lust" to generate enough money for him to carry out his homicidle dream which he hopes to turn into a BBC sitcom entitled "Killing Corbetts muthafuckin ass".

Public reaction has been split, with most screaming indifference. Others were unable to answer due to either not being asked or busy eating things.
Ronnie Corbett has not responded to the threat, prefering to gorge himself on sponge cake in a cupboard he has been hiding in ever since being called a "fucking chief" by Sidney Poitier back in July.

"Say buddy......."

2006-08-01T00:42:00.000+01:00

"Say buddy.....fancy a hug?"
"Hey buddy......I says do ya fancy a hug?"
"Hows about we go back to mine, do some sexy stuff?"
"Im tellin ya now, Im as tight as a rat"
"You and me, waddaya say?"
"I gots some real nice balls too"

Carry On Tits and a Chimp

2006-07-30T03:18:00.000+01:00

Food??? Good!???

2006-07-24T21:27:00.000+01:00

Courtesy of the ceiling in the 'goods lift'.

Papa Giovanni Paolo II.............arrivederci.

2006-07-23T17:28:00.000+01:00

"Chuffed"

Some time last year, or maybe it was the year before, we all mourned the loss of a great pope, maybe the bestest pope ever. John Paul II. Or Papa Giovanni Paolo as his mates called him.
But he was actually born Karol Jozef Wojtyla coz he must of been a jew or somthing.

Myself and others celebrated his life and his demise with a heartfelt public display of affection and whimsical apathy by collaberating on a large colourful banner that summed up the spirit of our nation and the crippling sadness that ripped into each and every one of our souls, munching up the last crumbs of humanity that dwelled somwhere in our nether regions, we produced a timless piece of iconic memoria . A effortless trumph of expression, as simplistic as it was easy to do..........

Above the word PENIS, is the banner that exclaims "CIAO PAOLO!" (Cannot be seen due to windy conditions).

A spokesman for the pope would of said "John would of been well chuffed with that"
And chuffed he was.

Derren Brown

2006-07-23T03:15:00.000+01:00

"Me put bag on head"

"Please......walk on my face"

"Errrrr, let me guess...............You're thinking of......... a RABBIT!?"
"Yea, a rabbit, thats what you're thinking of"

"YES YOU BLOODY ARE"
"LISTEN SUNSHINE, IM A BLOODY MIND READER!"
"WHY YOU GOTTA LIE FOR??!"
"YOU KNOW YOU'RE THINKING OF A BUNNY RABBIT"
"COME ON THEN! YOU WANT SOME DO YA!?"
"YOU WANT A SMACK IN DA MOUTH!?"
"YEA! COME ON THEN YOU FUCKIN MUG!"
"U WANT SOME DO YA!"
"COME ON THEN U PUSSY KLART!!!"
" FUKIN BUMBARASS! RASTAKLART!!"
"YEA! YA MUMS A BUNNY RABBIT"
"YES SHE IS"
YOUR MUM IS A MIDGET WRESTLER"
"NAH MATE....YOUR MUM IS!"
"YOU KNOW SHE IS"......................

Flip Flops

2006-07-21T18:40:00.000+01:00

Need I say more?

Probably.

Hollywood hates Corbett!

2006-07-18T20:41:00.000+01:00

No even your mates like you.

Los Nuevos Pecados (The New Sins)

2006-07-16T02:23:00.000+01:00

La Belleza (Beauty)

La Ambicion (Ambition)

La Esperanza (Hope)

El Conocimiento (Knowledge)

DEUTORONOMY 25:4

2006-07-16T01:44:00.000+01:00

Do not muzzle an ox while it is treading out the grain.

"Nice to see ya!" ???

2006-07-16T01:30:00.000+01:00

Nice to see ya, to see ya nice.

NO!!!
NOT YOU CORBET!
I AINT HAPPY TO SEE YOUR MIDGET FACE AT ALL!!
SO I DONT KNOW WHY YOUR SMILING YOU LITTLE PECK!

What are you...3 foot tall and 6 feet wide?? Just look at the size of your head!!
SORT IT OUT CORBET!!!

tits.

2006-07-15T23:11:00.000+01:00

tits
Originally uploaded by Miguel Vahaio Rodriguez.

Go on my son, 'ave a good feel, thats it.

Food Is Good.

2006-07-15T23:04:00.000+01:00

just ask Peteyaidscock!

Food good.

2006-07-15T02:33:00.000+01:00

Uri's poo shame

2006-07-15T01:59:00.000+01:00

Uri Gellar uses his mind powers to make small children rub shit in their eyes.

Below top, a photo of Uri holding his 'lucky golden easter bunny' shite, that he believes gives him the power of mind reading, spoon bending and his now infamous "shit in eyes is good" party tricks.
And bottom, the reaction of a child fisherman when told he/she would never see his mother again due to kidnap and such.